“You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.”― Neil Gaiman
I have been debating myself all this time if I wanted to post about this thing. But after days and months of self-deliberation, I think it is okay for me to talk about this openly and to share a piece about my life to the outside world. It is also one of my goal this year to share stories and discuss things with you guys. The thing is, I just feel like I wasn't able to come up with something to begin with. I try and try and try to bring up words but nothing seem to be right. That's why, I borrow a quote that I stumbled upon somewhere some times ago that I can relate so much. This quote has been sitting on my desktop notes since God knows when and I think it is appropriate for me to use it now. In all honesty, I don't know who Neil Gaiman is, neither have I read any of his writings, but this, this excerpt of his really seem to describe how I have been feeling since, since I lost the love of my life.
Let us start with a little background story about myself. I was born on August 1994 as the second and youngest child of the family. I live in a modest yet loving and caring family. I grew up being spoiled like a princess and at the same time as tough as nails.
Some years later, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And if you remember this campaign, it was inspired by my one and only mother. I was still young when I first heard about what happened, I had no idea what cancer is and how bad it would be. What I remembered was how my father cried when he told me about my mom's condition and I couldn't help but cry with him too. I did not know what was going on but I knew it was going to be very very serious. After that, my life has been a series of ups and downs. We tried any treatment from inside and outside the country, from traditional to medical, from the regular to the most expensive one.
My mom did survive when I was in junior high school. But, about a year later the cancer spread around her body again and it became much much worse than before. After that, it's like riding a roller coaster down. The doctors at the hospital gave up and suggested our family to have my mom spent her days at home in which we end up agreeing. It was very, very difficult seeing the person you loved so much who used to be very full of energy and happiness slowly wither and became weaker everyday.
On May 2010, my mom was gone forever. It was very devastating but we all learned to let go. We told ourselves to believe that mom has now rest in peace and freed from her illness.
Life has to go on, so we moved on with our lives and tried to cope with the grief. It's tough for my father because he had to be a single parent. It's tough for my brother and I because we loss the figure of our mother. It's when we realize how hard it is not to have our mother around. She cooked very delicious food, did the laundry, organized the home, paid the bills, helped the store, picked me up from school, shared stories with me, baked the best cookies, traveled to places and so much more. Now that she is not here, like it or not, we had to do whatever she did by ourselves. But it's never the same. If it is not her, no matter how hard we try, it is going to be different.
About two years later, things have become better, and we have adjusted with our life at that moment. It was exactly the moment that Neil Gaiman described in the quote at the beginning. At times, we still feel her absence, but it was okay. Everything was okay then. But, God might have a different plan for our family. It is a plan that never once I had in my mind.
There was a lymph node on the side of my father's neck. So he took it for treatment. Instead of getting better, things were slowly getting worse. It was very tough on me because I studied in Cikarang and my family were in Jakarta. Ultimately, we made a decision for me to take leave from university so I could take care of my father and help the house too. My brother helped looking for the store while I did household chores. My father also decided to try an alternative treatment after seeing no result from the hospital. He tried so hard, I knew he tried very hard to fight his illness. It was getting into his lungs and he had trouble breathing to the point that he had to be helped by oxygen can. It was so hard on me for not being able to share the pain he was going through. All I could do was help him with anything he asked me to.
If it was very tough on me, it must have been multiple times harder for him. He could not handle it anymore and we got back to hospital. I would stay with him every day and night on the side of his bed and in front of the ICU room. I would tell him stories, sing him songs, and pray for him wholeheartedly. I was so hopeless that the only thing I could wish was a miracle.
But,
the miracle never exist.
On December 2013, my father passed away.
I can not explain how I was feeling that time. Right after that, it was a sudden realization that heavy burdens and responsibilities are all over my shoulder and my world is slowly falling apart into pieces. In all honesty, I was a bit calmer compared to when my mother passed away. I told myself that in a way, my father will finally be reunited with my mother in heaven, so it was a good thing for both of them. Or maybe, if you have experienced it once, you kind of know how to handle it next. It was really terrible. But time never waits for you. I have to take care of the hospital bills, the funeral, and stuffs. Of course I would love to thank my extended for helping me going through this time.
So, what happens next?
Well, again, life goes on. And you choose to either live your life miserably or learn to accept the past and live your life positively. Well, I chose the latter. In fact, I have always been making that decision ever since the nightmare first struck my family. It's not easy to be positive when the world you are living seems to only show you the negative. But when you are used to stay positive, it became a habit. I am a firm believer that everything happens for reasons. So whatever bad I am going through, I knew there must be a reason why things happen that way. Though sometimes I just can not figure out what the reason is.
Having both of my parents passed away in this phase of life is a bit awkward honestly. I was not too young so that I have to be taken care by my extended family. But I was not too old either or should I say mature to know about the adult responsibilities and stuffs. I kind of know by now why Peter Pan did not want to grow up. Being adult is not an easy thing, especially if you were only 19 years old, lost both of your parents and "forced" to be adult.
To be honest, there are times when I made a scenario in my head. I would cut off all my communication line, pack all my belongings, and travel round the world. Well, of course I can totally do that. But I have to remind myself with the responsibilities I had now. I had to finish my university and graduate, I have to keep the ties between my family and my extended family and also my family friend. Even if I want to be selfish for myself, I can not be selfish for my parents. Even if they are not in this world anymore, their legacy stayed here and whatever we children do will always be reflected to our parents. Even if we want to act rebel and carelessly do stuffs, people will eventually bring up our parents. People can talk bad about me but I would be furious if they blame it for my parents. So the scenario never actually happen. It's just in my head. And if I ended up travelling round the world, it has to be the result of something to be proud of and not of a disappointment.
Now, it has been more than two years since my father passed away. If you asked me when I felt the loneliest, it is when I am going to sleep. No matter if I sleep by myself or with my friends, the moment I am laying on my bed and trying to sleep at night is the loneliest of all. It is inevitable and I just tried to console myself by reading funny comic and updating my social media feed.
Phew, it has been a long story, an emotional one if I might say. But it felt good to have shared my feelings and write type it down. With this confession, I am willing to share more insights about my personal life and how I cope up with it. But now that I have written this much I really did not know what to write anymore and I think it is now time for everyone to turn in questions that I can answer with a confession in the future.
Furthermore, I hope this writing inspire you to stay positive with whatever things happen in your life. Staying positive is sort of like a practice. And practice makes perfect. Eventually, it will become a second nature. If you yourself or you know someone who goes through the same thing with me, be it taking care of an ill family, losing his/her parent(s), having to suddenly be an adult, please share this writing with them so we can all discuss about this matter and support one another. It is always a good thing to have someone who understand your situation and is able to help you get through it even if it is only by sharing stories.
Anyway, all of the pictures posted are taken during Bazaar ART Jakarta exhibition which took place on August 2015. Yelny went to the one held in 2014 here.
Last but not least, this is my most favorite piece from the exhibition. And it fits perfectly for me to say, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Hope you were spending it with your loved ones and not typing a blog post in front of a laptop like me. haha.
Cheers,
filicia
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